From The Onion
Gemini An error in last week’s horoscope has probably resulted in you having a chance midnight encounter with a tall dark strangler. The stars regret any inconvenience.
Sagittarius Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens, but hey, survivor guilt is like that.
Pisces You’ve always been a never-say-die type of person. Luckily, your impending death will be so embarrassingly obvious that words will be unnecessary.