“Hello. Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?”
So, lets see…
When last I wrote here, I was living in Northern VA and working in Washington DC. I had a limited social life, but it was made up of quality instead of quantity.
I exchanged that for Arizona and a part-time editing job at the same company I’ve been with for eight years. The editing job is good but sucks my brain out after six hours or so. Good thing it is a part-time job.
I’ve been living off of the charity of my friends and parents, and I am very grateful! But the time is coming – I can see it on the horizon (like that distant ship mentioned in the song above) where I will need to once again get a full-time with benefits type job and settle into back into the daily grind that most of the rest of my acquaintences are mired in.
Oh where oh where are you, my dear money fairy?
Frankly, the thought of returning to the normal flow of society scares me. What if I never escape again? What if I get ground-down like a pepper-corn?
There are no bad decisions.
Speaking of…Sleep with your friend, if he/she appeals to you. Not a bad decision as long as you remember the joy and not the weirdness. Know that all weirdness is a construction of your own. She or he has their own thoughts on the matter and may or may not share them with you. He or she also has his/her own pile of weirdness to contend with. However, as long as you both enjoyed the sex (yes, I’m talking about sex, not a slumber party), then what’s the problem?
Pema Chodron, wise woman, says in her book, Start Where You Are, that we are tied up in the belief that if you touch me, it is defeat and if I armor myself and am not touched, it is victory. The real trick to it is to accept that being touched, especially the soft vulerable spot that bleeds at even the slightest brush, is just defeat of the ego.
I, of course, am not relaying this very well. Probably because I’m still working it out in my head.
So – if you allow yourself to be touched, just know that it, and all other things, are transitory. The joy you find with your friend should be celebrated and not tarnished by “oh god, what did I do?” or “Does she or doesn’t she want me?” or even, “Shit, are we in a ‘relationship’ now?” Hell, you were in a relationship earlier. Now it’s just different.
Don’t be comfortably numb. Seize the pain and confusion and know that your friend is probably having the same pain and confusion, and that it is all needless. It is what it is, or it was what it was. Cherish it.
Now is a new moment.