So, my intention for the last week or two has been to open up my armor and let my soft chewy gooey inner bits – the things that I try to protect about my identity – hang out. I envision my protected heart as caramel, maybe a little chocolate swirled in, but mostly caramel, and I see that protected cage squeaking open to give access to whomever.
Of course I have a particular whomever in mind at the moment. This person has put me on a pedestal – I’m taboo and to be respected/protected/loved from a far at all times. Really, I just want to be loved from up close. As a person, not an ideal.
So my act of courage today was to tell this person, “Hey, see me. I see you. I accept you and your foibles, faults, whatever, and I still want to be near you.” This person said, in essence, ‘nope – too scary. I like the you in my imagination better.’
There are no wrong answers. And yea, a new boundary has been set – replacing a barrier. And I feel kinda good, and kinda sore in the soft squishy bit. Clarity has been achieved, or at least the first step in that direction.
Why is it my fantasies don’t come true? (waa – hey- there’s my armor) Where’s the reality where this person saw me and not the image? (and there’s the ego. The endless cycle.)
Courage and patience (please hurry up and get here.)