Kiss Me I’m Irish scenes

Story Info

 

Tag line:

Tad was just a normal guy until his friend Mickey convinced him to go out to a bar on St. Patrick’s Day. “Kiss me I’m Irish” the woman’s t-shirt said. His friend dared him, so he did. And now all the leprechauns in XX city, X state are out to get him. He is dragged into the unknown world of XX city, where vampires, werewolves and, yes leprechauns, hang out. It is a world of sin, like Las Vegas, and yet it is a world of magic and amazing beauty. It is also a world of adventure beyond Tad’s TV-limited imagination.

 

“Come on Tad,” Mickey said with a gleam in his bloodshot Irish eyes, “Lets go to somewhere more authentic.”

“Authentic?” Tad asked, looking around at all the people dressed in silly green hats wearing flashing green pins proclaiming St Pat’s Day. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, let’s go to a real Irish bar.”

“We’re in Bennigan’s. That’s Irish, isn’t it?”

“Come on.” Mickey lead them out to Tad’s beat-up green vw. Tad obligingly drove him across town.

“Are you sure about this neighborhood? I saw on the news that there was a shooting down here yesterday.”

“Oh sure, we’re fine. This is a friendly pub.”

They parked on the corner under a flickering streetlight and started walking.

After about a block or two, Tad asked, “Where is this place?”

“Just down this alley. Here we go.”

“Down the alley,” Tad muttered, “That’s just where I’d have a business.”

There was a sign tacked to the brick wall just outside of the a bright green door that read “The Crooked Shank, Irish and relatives welcome.”

“I’m not Irish dude.”

“No, but I am. You’ll be fine.”

 

It was smokey and dim inside of the pub. There was music floating through the air that sounded sqeaky and strange. As they moved in past the doorman, who rolled his eyes when Tad showed his ID, Tad spotted the stage.

    (Leprechaun band playing. Tad thinks they are dwarves.) The interior of the bar is a dark wood, with lots of Irish bar accoutrements [We’ll go to the Auld Dubliner one of these days so you have an idea], wooden floor. Beer served in beer steins instead of glasses. Whiskey bottles of all sorts. Not a drop of wine to be seen, but there is a local boy’s mead. Mickey tries to get Tad to drink something, but Tad says he’s driving, but Mickey convinces him to have a sip of mead. Tad likes it. Then Mickey starts singing along with the band, and encourages the reluctant and somewhat freaked out Tad to sing too. Tad gets into it after his second glass of mead. Then Mickey bets the next round that Tad wont kiss the girl with the shirt – cute Irish red-haired lass, round cheeks, freckles, big tits. Tad says no, not for drinks, but how about for (something stupid and geeky like an action figure or gas for his vw or some sort of computer part). Mickey agrees, and they shake hands. Tad kisses the girl without a hello or anything. She slaps him, and he says “but your shirt says so.” And she smiles and calls him an idiot foriegner in Irish. Tad returns to the table where he and Mickey are sitting and Mickey pats him on the back saying “Good job. Was it gross?” “No, but it hurt.” “Maybe we’ll find you someone more your type to kiss next time.” “Like what?” Tad asks. Mickey says “a guy” and walks away to the bathroom. Tad is hurt, and wonders if maybe he is gay, if his best friend from grade school thinks so.

The bartender heard the whole exchange, and gives Tad the ? are you? look.

Mickey comes back from the bathroom and has a shot of whiskey with the guys standing next to them, and then gets in a fight and he and Tad are thrown out. Tad asks him why he picked a fight, Mickey said, “They called you a fag.” Tad is confussed but touched that his friend would get in a fight about his sexuality.

 – Mickey dares Tad to go kiss the Irish girl. Tad says no, his mother warned him about red-heads. Mickey says I bet you the next round. Tad says – no, besides I’m can’t have any more, I won’t be able to drive. Mickey: Dude, you’ve had two glasses. You’re such a light weight.

Tad: I am not. I’m responsible.

Mickey: Whatever. I bet you my Artic Monkey’s CD that you won’t go kiss her.

Tad: No, if we’re going to bet, let’s make it worth my while. I’ll go kiss her if you make me that magic item I need for the unicorn quest in X (game).

Mickey: Dude, I can’t make you that item. It takes like two weeks to farm all of the ingrediants.

Tad: Then I guess I’m not going to kiss some strange girl just because she’s wearing a t-shirt that says so.

Mickey: Dude – look again. Have you seen her tits? You should be wanting to kiss her just because.

Tad: It’s the principle of the matter. You want to bet on something – you need to make it worth my while.

Mickey rolls his eyes.: Fine. I’ll make you the rose-scented girdle of begiling.

Tad: That’s great! Thank you. Tad shakes Mickey’s hand, and then turns his back on the dance floor, and sips his mead.

Mickey: Tad

Tad looks at his friend, What?
Mickey: The kiss. Come on, dude.

Tad pouts, fine. He stamps over to her. She’s dancing with some tall thin guy. He grabs her shoulder, spins her around, and kisses her.

The band stops and the room goes silent

She blinks and slaps him.

…the guys next to Mickey ask about the girdle, Mickey explains it’s just a part of a game they play. The guys call them both faggots. Mickey gets in a fight.

 

The leprechauns start pulling pranks on Tad. His car won’t start. The tires of his bicycle are missing. His keys are missing. He’s late to work and gets chewed out. The files on his computer become corrupted. There’s garbage in his mailbox instead of letters. His toilet won’t stop running through and he can’t sleep because of the apartment is suddenly really noisy. His cat pukes on his shoes.

After several days of this, and a particularlly bad day at work, he comes home and sees his neighbor. She asks how he is doing, and she then tells him that she thinks he’s being bothered by a Pixie type thing (pesky fairy). He says Okay sure, how do I get rid of it.

Okey: You don’t get rid of it, you have to ask it to go away.

Tad – how?

Okey: take a gift and leave it at one of their special places. Tell them why you are leaving the gift when you do. They’ll hear you.

Tad – what type of gift?

Okey –  Something sweet, like honey or flowers. Or something precious like gold or silver

Tad – You mean bribe them just like I do with my mother

Okey – yes, exactly. Respect them like you do your mother

Tad – I can do that. where’s the nearest special place?

Okey – There are a number of shrines around town, dedicated to various saints. Have you seen them?

Tad – like the one on x street?

Okey – yes, like that. Look for one that’s dedicated to an irish saint. I think there’s one down in the warehouse district. Just drop the gift off at the shrine and say what you need to. You will probably want to do it on Saturday before sun down.

Tad – Why Saturday?

Okey – that’s the first day of spring, darling. The wee folk like that.

Tad – thank’s Mrs. Okey, you’re a life saver.

Okey pats his hand and goes back into her apartment.

 

Tad is distracted by his online game, where Mickey finally made him the girdle that caused the fight in the bar. While Tad still has things happen to him, he makes it to the weekend. He goes to his mothers to play bridge, and doesn’t remember the shrine until his way home when he has a flat tire. He fixes the flat and finds himself downtown hear the Crooked Shank, so he tries to go in to buy a bottle of mead to leave at the shrine. They won’t let him in. He tells them he is going to leave it at the shrine and oh, do they know the way? They tell him to piss off, it is going to take more than that to make things right. He leaves and purchases flowers instead, and drives  – as the sun is going down – to the warehouse district to find the shrine.

The leprechauns change the direction signs, and instead Tad finds himself walking down an alley. He goes in a door, and realizes he’s at a rave. The lieutenant vampire is having his birthday party. Tad shows up with flowers in hand. The lieutenant vampire says “Oh Mistress Kitten, you shouldn’t have.” Tad says, “I’m sorry, I think I’m in the wrong place. Have you seen the shrine to St. James of Sneem?” The vampires laugh. The lieutenant vampire starts to flirt with Tad.

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9B0CE6DF123AF932A25750C0A9679C8B63&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=1

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